Friendship is the chicken. You are the egg.
You should be more selective about your friends.
The expression “You are the five people you spend the most time around” has made its way into virtually everyone’s minds, but there aren’t many people who are acting on it and actively cultivating the people that they spend the most time around.
Beyond people not taking action to improve their friends, there is a belief that you should remain loyal to the friends you have already had. That to decide not to be friends with someone anymore is a somewhat horrible thing to do unless that person has done something horrible.
“No new friends” – Aubrey Graham
People think that, to some degree, your group of friends is a collective. That one person in the group who becomes extremely successful, or wins the lottery, ought to share that with the people in that group. That somehow the group has a claim over the individual. Like the group is fixed to each other, and no one can leave the others behind. Like you’re bound together.
If your group of friends is bound to you, then you don’t have to worry about winning their affection. You don’t have to worry about being worthy. Which is comforting because if you don’t have a good sense of your self-worth, then the thought of needing to be valuable to others scares you. It makes you feel insecure.
But, even for the people who believe in fixed friendship. People who believe that you should remain friends with the people you are friends with, still act in ways that show they do understand that friendship is not a fixed state.
There are some assumptions you make about friendship and they are communicated when you are telling who your friends are.
Imagine yourself having a conversation with someone you just met named Tom. Tom has an acquaintance that went to the same university as you, so he asks you if you know this guy named Steve.
You do. You spend quite a bit of time with Steve, but before you tell Tom that you are friends, there a couple of things that you are going to consider.
- That who your friends are has a reflection on who you are.
- That people you call your friends are only really your friends if they consider you their friend in return.
You realize that people’s impressions of you will change based on who your friends are. If people find out you are friends with someone they hate, they will judge you on that. It is assumed that you respect, and have chosen voluntarily, your friends.
You realize that you can’t call someone your friend, who wouldn’t call you a friend in return. Friendship is reciprocal. If you call someone you’ve only met one time your friend, and that person doesn’t even know who you are, people will think you’re deceiving them.
So when you call someone your friend, you are stating that you value them and that they also value you.
When you have a sense of self-esteem — a sense of your value — you are more likely to go out looking to find friends who you respect, admire, and value. You understand that the people you spend your time with will have a large impact on you, and you want to enjoy that effect in a positive way.
When you lack self-esteem you are not sure of your value, so you look for people who will make you feel valuable. You don’t have as strong a desire to curate your friends because what if questions pop into your mind.
What if you miss one event, and they stop inviting you? Or what if you go to meet new people, and you’re not good enough for them?
Self-esteem — how you view yourself — isn’t fixed. It is something that you can practice and improve and it will have a massive effect on how you view the friendships in your life.
To go out and look for new friends requires a clear understanding of your value as a person. It requires a belief that if you find people you admire, and connect with them, that these people may come to like you as well. And if they don’t that someone else eventually will.
In a way you need to become friends with yourself before you can have a positive friendship with someone else.
When you look to friends to hold you up, you end up with friends who hold you down. When you look for friends you admire, you eventually become admirable yourself.
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