Why am I doing what I’m doing?

I hated my job. I thought it was the problem.

I would sit in my car 5 minutes before I would start my work day and wish I didn’t have to go in.

I would go into the washroom, look at myself in the mirror and think “what the fuck am I doing”.

I wasn’t doing anything.

I had no purpose. I had no meaning. I blamed it on the situation, on the job, on the company.
I was looking for the source of my problem everywhere around me except for really looking in the mirror.

I thought I needed a job with more meaning. Whatever that meant. I didn’t know what it was. I just didn’t want to go to work.

Life felt like nothing but responsibilities that I didn’t want to handle. I felt like the guy pushing the stone up the hill day after day. Only to have it roll back down every night. I was doing things but getting nowhere.

I was spending all my time doing things. Going to work, watching TV, exercising, drinking with friends, but no time thinking about why I was doing what I was doing. I filled all the quiet moments in my life up with noise. I ran away from moments of thought because I didn’t want to deal with the consequences of my thoughts.

When I got to close to my thoughts, I was dreadfully disappointed in myself. I wasn’t living up to the standards I had set for myself. But instead of improving my actions, or lowering my standards, I was trying to escape from thinking altogether.

I escaped into sports, into drinking, and video games.  I blamed everything on the environment. I made myself feel powerless.

I believed that meaning was something I would find, and not something that I needed to create. I believed that what I did didn’t matter, but I continued doing it because I wasn’t thinking. I was just acting out of fear.

I didn’t understand balance. I believed in one or the other. I didn’t understand both.

Meaning is not inherent in a job. Perspective matters. But, meaning is also not entirely created by you. If you have the courage to act on your thoughts you will not spend your time somewhere that you are not learning, or making a difference.

You create meaning by asking yourself why you are doing what you are doing and keeping that why in your head as you go through your day.

You create meaning by choosing to live purposefully, noticing the purpose of your day as it currently is, and having the courage to make changes to better achieve your purpose.

Here’s a fascinating paradox of the material world: The more specific your vision or intention the more expansive the creativity you will unleash. The more you know why you are doing what you are doing, the more freedom you will have to explore all kind of ways to get there. The clearer it is why you’re having the staff party, why you have a den, why you have an assistant, why the software you are designing is needed, and why you are merging with another company, the more you will tap unique ideas, possibilities, and out-of-the-box options for achieving success.

– David Allen